I suppose I should address the elephant in the room. Panic/anxiety deep enough to freeze your body and mind. Hypervigilance is exhausting……always sitting in a back corner, even if the waiting room is empty, because you don’t want anyone or anything behind you. Having wait staff change your table because you cannot see the entrance to the room. Always noting all exits in a room, where everyone is in the room, who comes and goes out of the room. How you can interact with a few people at a time, but a room full…..even people you know…..is exhausting.
You only need two of these at the same time to be diagnosed with PTSD…..what happens when you have more than two ….or all of them ….going on at the same time ?
Two or more of the following:
- inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic events (not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs)
- persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous”).
- persistent, distorted blame of self or others about the cause or consequences of the traumatic events
- persistent fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame
- markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities
- feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
- persistent inability to experience positive emotions
Two or more of the following marked changes in arousal and reactivity:
Also, clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning not attributed to the direct physiological effects of medication, drugs, or alcohol or another medical condition, such as traumatic brain injury.
OMG……..this person shouldn’t be allowed out……..should be locked in a tiny room with medication somewhere. Do not take the fun out of dysfunctional. Many people suffering from any or all of these symptoms HAVE to function daily.
I see a VA trauma therapist weekly….talk to him on a Skype like VA network (I’m the first in the nation to do this), because the VA requires the therapist to see the person’s face. I argued, when they were going to terminate me because I moved to an area where they did not have a therapist for my particular set of ills (yes, a reference to Liam Neeson….many people use inappropriate humor). I felt if my therapist, who had been seeing me for two years and talking to me on the phone for a year, could not tell if I was bullshitting him in the first three minutes of our conversation, after all his degrees and years of experience, then he needed to find a new job. Ah, but they did not see it that way. He fought for me all the way to the head of the department in DC, and they thought video communication was the best idea ever.
You see, people who do not have any of these problems, or gloss over their own experiences so they can be “normal”, tend to dismiss those of us who do. They believe you should ‘just get over it’. If your symptoms persist and/or get worse because you don’t address them ? My heart goes out to police, firemen (yes, I know they are both genders), medical staff who deal with the aftermath of violence and tragedy, children of abuse, people of any age caught in the violence of attack….in a school, movie house, mall, or church…..and the military.
I was really bummed when my therapist told me I will never be “cured”. I was ashamed to admit this is still going on at my age. But he does give me tools to work with that I combine with the tools I have been using all my life. Knitting is one of these tools. I have even talked to him about teaching veterans to knit. He thinks it would be a great idea….that they could knit caps for the homeless vets out there, or blankets for hospitalized vets….or chemo caps for veteran cancer patients. It would help with many issues and a product would be made to actually help another vet. I just don’t know who to talk to about it at the VA hospital in town. A friend asked me “Are you sure you want to be in a room full of PTSD guys with sharp pointy sticks ?” Yeah, I could do that….because I’m one of those guys.
I recently faced and passed a landmark. A friend, who happens to also be a therapist but doesn’t try any voodoo magic on me, asked me to go see a Chorale perform at a local college. I sat surrounded by people , and yes, my back to the entrance….and knitted half a sock whilst enjoying her company and the lovely music in the most delightful , sun drenched chapel on a lovely campus. She leaned over and asked how I was doing and dealing with the huge crowd that had come. I just showed her my sock.
Oh, look……….shiny
